The Institute for Political Hypocrisy is an organization that helps hegemons fabricate the rhetoric, the image and the aura necessary to maintain the illusion that they are democratic societies while they act in ways that are antithetical to democracy. If you are a fledging nation or polity who wants to develop into a full blown “democratic” hegemon, we will help you create a shimmering democratic “creation myth” with any parts of your nation’s history that contradict this myth (slavery, genocide, colonialism) expunged.
We have “democratic creation myths” of all shapes and sizes:
For $27.99 you can purchase the “colorful tale of revolutionary heroes overthrowing an autocratic regime and starting a republic”
For $19.99 we will help you construct a national anthem in 4/4 time that tells the narrative of how your republic was born and reaches a climactic denouement
For $7.99 we can help you choose your national colors and design a flag that involves a convoluted esoteric story about how those colors are related to the birth of your republic
Every democratic hegemon-to-be goes through four stages of training at the Institute for Political Hypocrisy:
1.) ERASURE (erasure of history of indigenous people exterminated or other factors that don’t fit your democratic “creation myth”)
2.) HISTORICAL AMNESIA (convenient “forgetfulness” of various assassinations of foreign leaders, invasions, and overthrows of democratic regimes all over the world)
3.) MYSTIFICATION (create a smokescreen or fog that obfuscates your colonialist and imperialist intentions)
4.) DEMONIZATION OF THE “OTHER” (demonize world leaders of countries who threaten the logic of Western hegemony: Khomeni, Gadaffi, Noriega, Castro, Arafat, Milosevic, Saddam Hussein, Osama, and Putin)
5.) The final goal and most sublime level of the Institute for Political
Hypocrisy training program is to achieve “mythology.” Barthes “mythologies” are ways of thinking and doing that masquerade as “nature” emptied of their historical specificity, imbued with a patina of inevitability and timelessness. Myth is an airless vacuum, that which needs no justification, things that seem to appear already fully formed, assumptions so internalized they don’t need to assert themselves as something distinct from what would already be taken for granted as true.
“Myth” is a special rarefied status that not every hegemon can hope to achieve. After achieving the level of “myth” you will be able to use your status as a “democracy” as a blank check exoneration to do all sorts of things that are antithetical to democracy.
DON’T FORGET TO VISIT OUR INSTITUTE FOR POLITICAL HYPOCRISY STORE!
Summer sale!!! FOR $79.99 YOU CAN BUY YOURSELF a United Nations Cash Register Coalition!!! (bribe various European and Eastern Bloc nations to support your invasion of Iraq by offering them financial aid!)
“The Institute for Political Hypocrisy was a great training program! I was just a small nation with a previously toppled regime, struggling to gain acceptance on the world stage of the Big Boys of Democratic Hegemons. But in less than 6 months, I learned how to foster an irreconcilable gap between the benevolent rhetoric and belligerent reality of my foreign policy and use my democratic creation myth to get away with the military invasion of a “rogue state,” which in less than 18 months was transformed into a Democratic McEmpire client state!”
-Secret Service agent of unidentified country
“Not only were the people at the Institute for Political Hypocrisy terrific, but I love these little perks you get, such as unlimited access to the Cold War Rhetoric Cabinet, the Frosty Scud Missile Fresh Makeover spa, and the disposable packets of Kurdish independence used to destabilize a Middle Eastern antagonist country. The Institute for Political Hypocrisy is a MUST for any nation thinking of using democracy to exploit resources all over the globe!”
-Developing 2nd World Countries